We live in a state of chronic emergency. Our public and civil consciousness has been arrested in a state of fear. Humans react to fear in one of three ways. We flee, fight or freeze. It wasn’t until I recently listened to Krista Tippett’s interview with Costa Rican diplomat and powerhouse Christina Figueres that I linked the ‘freeze’ response to the almost ubiquitous feeling of burnout that engulfs nearly everyone I know.
It’s almost a year since I gave into my body’s instinct to rest and recover. I decided to stop pursuing a full-time, permanent academic position and return to a free-lance life instead. My wife and I took a short retreat, and we both emerged, committing ourselves to New Year’s resolutions of health and stability.
This happened, but in ways I could have never predicted. We realised we would have to move house a few days after the first of January. The cost of renting was no longer tenable, and it was now cheaper for us to buy. We began a journey as first home-owners. It was scary, stressful and challenging, but we were never far away from deliberate intentionality in our living. We were forced to answer: how do we want to live? And how can we make that happen? And even on the most challenging day, we were grateful to be in the position of home ownership.
I committed to running a marathon. But I had mistaken health and well-being for hard-nosed bodily punishment. I ended up taking anti-depressant medication for the first time in my life. The result was confusing but wonderful, and I felt a fog lift from my eyes.
In mid-year, a fog descended. Our dog died. A series of disasters afflicted friends and family all around us. Everything became existential. The teenagers I taught told me they were sure they would be the last generation of humanity.
Where do I put all of this?
How to be a whole, healthy person and hold all of this?
Am I doing enough?
God, please, am I doing enough?
Stuff that happened this week in the world:
India’s extending its free ration scheme for another five years, helping 800 million poor people receive 5 kg of food grain every month.
London now has the largest low emissions zone in the world, covering 1500 square kilometres and nine million people. There are 77,000 fewer cars a day compared to a year ago.
The Conkouati-Douli National Park in the Congo has now been extended to include a 2,900 square kilometre ocean area, safeguarding turtles, dolphins and humpback whales and reducing illegal fishing.
French President Emmanuel Macron has promised full reproductive rights will be enshrined in the French constitution, protecting women’s health.
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Her face is gaunt, and her eyes are hollow.
She hides under the bed when we say it’s time for school.
She is over-tired and overwhelmed.
When and how do we push her into resilience?
Or should we join her under the bed?
Medication has changed the way I write. A year ago, I wanted to give up writing. I couldn’t stand it anymore. This year I re-committed and had another fresh pile of rejections and knocks…and the usual small amount of wins to keep me hooked.
But I’ve also shifted from wanting fame - like actually, really, for the first time in my life. The desire for anonymous external validation is gone. And I am genuinely asking myself how I can serve my community.
But I also enrolled in a Graduate Diploma in Psychology.
New information and a new field of study with new career prospects is like encountering a glass of ice-cold water in a desert.
I kneel. I sip. Gasp with relief.
I can be many things.
We now have a puzzle table in the house. And if we’re lucky, my wife and I will sit there with a glass of cold wine and listen to a podcast together, and our souls will recover from the day.
Listening to Martha Beck glide through Internal Family Systems therapy is enough to make me reach for Dick Schwartz’s research (I’ll end up blogging about it another time, I’m sure). Christina Figueres on On Being discusses the importance of hope and optimism in the climate change narrative. My favourite, the Dax Shepherd podcast, has Trevor Noah on at the start of the week, telling us to stop watching the news. Then, they finish the week talking to our favourite parenting psychologist, Dr Becky, reminding us that we can validate and manage a child’s emotions (or our own) at the same time.
Yes, it’s the end of the year, and we are burned out and frayed - just like last year. But I have a puzzle table, new ideas and a more profound sense of home - both in my body and in the walls where I live.
We talk and strategize, and we enable the village, and she goes to school.
And on a freshly laid lawn in the afternoon, she sprints through the sprinkler in bare feet, laughing. The water arcs over her, making a rainbow for an instant. She screams with delight.
How I envy that free and joyous body.
Every being deserves to feel free.