I mean what am I gonna do? Sit here and pretend I don’t have daddy issues? Don’t we all? I mean we all have mummy issues too, right? But you don’t hear that as often. ‘Mummy issues. ’ Just ‘daddy issues’. Why? Patriarchy. Probably.
I mean in one way I can see my whole life as a lineage of fathers and male mentors. Common tropes: alcoholism, disappointment, fear, insecurity, inability to hold close relationships. The pattern: I fall in love, worship, cling to their approval for validation of my existence, end up feeling betrayed and realise, heart-breakingly, they were always immature or stunted somehow and I return to the bevy of calm, sensible women in my life for gin and reassurance.
I started this very blog with a post about Dax Shepherd. I still love the guy, but I’m past the fanatical stage. Before him it was Louis CK. Then he, you know, masturbated in front of unconsenting women. Before him it was probably Chris Martin. Those were the celebrity ones. But then there are the others: theatre mentors who skew towards misery and marital problems.
When I was writing The Man in The Water - a young adult novel - my editor pointed out there were no positive male role models in the book—quite the opposite. Every grown man was hanging onto life by a thread. She suggested I find one for…you know…some hope. I got a similar note on Major Arcana, which I first wrote in 2020/21. My imagination didn’t stretch that far. I couldn’t manufacture a male role model that wasn’t a cartoon. I could only think of Ned Flanders. And who loves Ned Flanders?
I’ve stopped looking to celebrities and the theatre for inspiration these days. But I find it in my peers and a few treasured souls in my inner circle. These quiet, noble individuals are doing the hard male work. It’s only noticeable up close, in the minutia of self-improvement over years—the painful battle of demon management—the intricate task of plucking the inter-generational thorns out of the soul, one by one. The task is never done.
And occasionally we catch each other by the eye. Amazingly, it’s not when we’re drunk, for we have done the work, which means we can be vulnerable while sober. But not enough work to sit in it for too long. In the flick of a moment, some pocket of a conversation, a spark of recognition between us. To say: ‘yes, I’ve been there too. I salute you, fellow traveller.
And off we go into the wild blue yonder, ever onwards.